Threat Down- Special Relationship Edition

For all of you who love The Colbert Report like I do, you'll know that every so often he does a segment he calls "Threat Down"... where he lists off things in society he finds to be threats. They are normally hilarious, but it made me wanna do a Special Relationship Edition of the Threat Down... so here it is...

5) Scientifically Determined Matches!- I have to laugh at the absurdity of any systemic science-based configuration that thinks it can successfully pair two people based on a series of vague (yet supposedly precise) questions. Heck, if love were a science I think that people would have figured it out by now, especially seeing as how nearly EVERYONE is their own subject matter expert containing case study upon case study. Each could generate would-be rules that are very relative and not easily homogenized (yet ironically, everyone tries to homogenize them). So folks, even though it would be great to be "test-tubed" into a perfect relationship, it does NOT exist. It's a hoax! Companies like eHarmony, and Match.com are simply ploys that capitalize on human suffering for monetary gain.

4) Bears!- Unfortunately due to the need for "gifts" in relationships, the production of teddy bears has increased... enough so that they actually have an award for "Teddy Bear of the Year." Outside of my obvious desire to thwart companies who capitalize on silly traditions, what was the reason for choosing a "bear" as an emblem of affection? If you think about it, bears are fierce, vicious, man-eating creatures. Should this ferocious image be a symbol for love? I guess some would argue yes...

3) Presents!- Have you bought a present for a loved one lately... it takes some serious thought and energy. In a recent article, it is reported that "according to the Gallup Survey Network, the average American will spend nine-hundred and nine dollars on Christmas presents this year, up more than two-hundred dollars from ten years ago." Commercialism has exploited holidays, and they do such a great job at marketing, that the expectation for gifts has set a constantly raising standard in relationships. I have to start months in advance just to start paying attention to the things people say so as to purchase a "meaningful" gift. What are we looking to do? Change their whole aura and outlook on life, rewrite the definition of "caring," discover the Holy Grail of presents? Such emotional strain and presumptive tokens of "love" are futile to relationships, because it should be the love itself that is the gift. (ahhh)

2) Text Messaging!- It's evilness is masked as a useful way of relaying simple messages. Handy... Convenient... are phrases that people use to describe this potential emotional hazard. The reality of the situation is that, when used for flirting or dating, you have 160 characters in which to convey emotion. For instance, in the Chinese language the same word could mean completely different things based on the intonation. Such is the same with texting... it is the "Chinese" of the digital dating age. Intonation makes all the difference! One shotty reply could quickly and ignorantly lead you to the path that diverges in the wood. Communication is hard enough when you also have the body language and expressions to aid. As if that isn't enough, people are resorting to texts as a means to ask someone out and express significant declarations of love. In USA Today, it speaks of a girl who was told "I love you" for the first time via text. Cop out! Texting is romantically handicapping our society, because all of us are only a few keystrokes away. Women I say we not only "close our pantries" but turn off our phones!

1) Sleep!- According to the Discovery Channel... "Lack of sleep alters the brain to such a degree that it can be heard in the way a person speaks, according to a new study that found sleep-deprived people sound almost drunk." Drunk? We all know what being drunk does when you get behind a wheel, but what about talking about feelings late at night? Could "sounding like your drunk" also mean your mental state is marred and that you have the potential for a verbal car crash? Or does it just mean you sound drunk? Dating equals a decreased amount of sleep, which apparently equals slurred speech, which could reasonably equal loss of cognitive sustainability, which usually equals verbal kamikze death missions, which usually inevitably means... you'll now have time to get more sleep.