Guilty
For awhile now I've been thinking about things on a deeper level. You know... analyzing life and how I live it. That said, I think I might have hit on something. I remember while I was a missionary, we taught many people from all different religious backgrounds and I learned a lot. At first, I associated "guilt" with the Catholics... and after having some hard days and feeling awful about not being more productive, my missionary companions and I would chalk it up to our "Catholic guilt syndrome" with a shrug and a chuckle. However, I am coming to believe that this guilt is not just an evidence of the Catholics... rather most spiritually conscious people.
It fascinates me... those spiritually inclined feel responsible to some higher being or influence, because of this often times we feel like we have to answer to someone for our failures, despite the state of our hearts while in pursuit. I know this is a tactic of the adversary, but I'm sure that it absorbs more of our lives that we admit... or perhaps just my life. Let me share an example...
The other day I was asked out by a man that I have gone on a few dates with. I accepted his invitation, but knew that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship, and while this was hard to admit, I actually realized that I felt MORE guilty for feeling uninterested.
While I was getting ready for this date... this wave of what I can only term as a "heart revolution" overcame me... my heart knows that I'm not interested and yet I still force the issue, which only results in internal misery. (Note: Just because attraction isn't as common with me, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I have been attracted to and loved several men.)
But during this "heart revolution," the emotion finally revealed itself as guilt. I feel guilty that I don't like some men that like me. Guilty that I'm not able to take advantage of opportunities in front of me. Guilty for not having a family like I should.
I think the reason I feel guilty about this is that I have to answer the throngs of people that inquire about the reasons why I'm still single. Most spectators, if not nearly all, usually always say: "Well, it must be that you are too picky." This response usually, unbeknownst to them, causes me hours (if not days) of guilt and sorrow. Not only that, but I believe in the gospel of Christ, and know that a family is central to His plan.
This is just one example, but add to that, guilt for not attending all church activities (and supporting my leaders), guilt for not attending meat-market social events set at great distances (because I might be missing an opportunity to meet a great guy), guilt for not being a more productive employee, etc. etc. It is obvious to see that guilt is a factor in my life. But, I'm starting to think it shouldn't be.
Man, the devil is quite tricky, because I realize how it can negatively effect people. But I'm putting my foot down. No more guilt! If you're trying to do the right thing... I believe that the Lord isn't a overbearing task master, rather a merciful Savior that makes up for our differences.
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