The Loss
One of the hardest things about being single is that "loss" is an inevitable part of life. Roommates move and get married, relationships don't work out, once best friends become more and more distant. There doesn't seem to be a constant. When I was in high school, I would see my upperclassmen friends graduate and move on, it pained me to the core that I began to loathe the end of school. A part of me experienced a very tangible loss, almost like a death. I had built such close friends and relationships that the thought of not having them there would cause me to cry myself to sleep often. Invariably it meant that even though we would always be friends ("BFF") it would never be the same. I had no control.
Being a passionate person, I feel emotions in the extreme and I can't quite express what loosing someone does to me. When I was a very small child I would pray very fervently that none of my family or friends would die or have anything bad happen to them, sometimes several times a day. I just simply don't think I could have taken the loss and I'm so grateful that I was able to go without that trial.
When I was a senior in high school, I was unexpectedly relocated to Arizona within weeks of graduating. I only had a day or two to say goodbye to friends I had for years. Some of them I never got a chance to say anything to. I knew no one in Arizona, and moved in with complete strangers with $300 to my name. I remember the first night very vividly, my new roommate sat down to tell me her whole eye-opening, disturbing story and I sat there shell shocked, friendless and very lonely in a new town. I remember that 4th of July, I sat alone in my parking lot watching the fireworks in the distance. Something in me at that moment changed.
Gradually as I got older, I saw more and more dear friends come and go, but I built a callous to this emotion to be able to continue to be happy and healthy. I unintentionally put people more and more at arms length, because it's like an impending sense of despair for me. At times I thought it would be good to block people all together, but I never have the strength because they really do mean so much to me.
The problem has been with this unintentional distance is that I didn't enjoy the same type of friendships as I have in the past and at times felt like I did on that one 4th of July.
About a year or so ago, I decided to actually let people in my restricted zone. I have come to love some people very dearly and opened myself up in a way I have never done which has given me some of the closest relationships I have ever had. And now, I will be loosing probably my closest friend. I can't explain the anxiety I feel associated with this upcoming event. It's hard moving forward when you don't know which way to move. I'm back to my first problem... how to let people I love go... or do I even have to? People advise many things, the worst of which being that I need to shut this person out of my life so that I don't get hurt. Sadly, I know myself well enough to know, that regardless of what I "should" do... I always cave because I care for the person too much to not be supportive or to do what it takes to make them happy. This is one part of the game I have never been able to play... and marvel at people who can turn a cold-heart to friends once adorned. When it comes down to mine or their happiness I would always opt for the happiness of my loved ones, no matter what the personal cost to me. Problem is, I don't know what this makes me...
Ultimately, it makes me wonder why we have "eternal marriage" but not "eternal friendships." Or do we?
Being a passionate person, I feel emotions in the extreme and I can't quite express what loosing someone does to me. When I was a very small child I would pray very fervently that none of my family or friends would die or have anything bad happen to them, sometimes several times a day. I just simply don't think I could have taken the loss and I'm so grateful that I was able to go without that trial.
When I was a senior in high school, I was unexpectedly relocated to Arizona within weeks of graduating. I only had a day or two to say goodbye to friends I had for years. Some of them I never got a chance to say anything to. I knew no one in Arizona, and moved in with complete strangers with $300 to my name. I remember the first night very vividly, my new roommate sat down to tell me her whole eye-opening, disturbing story and I sat there shell shocked, friendless and very lonely in a new town. I remember that 4th of July, I sat alone in my parking lot watching the fireworks in the distance. Something in me at that moment changed.
Gradually as I got older, I saw more and more dear friends come and go, but I built a callous to this emotion to be able to continue to be happy and healthy. I unintentionally put people more and more at arms length, because it's like an impending sense of despair for me. At times I thought it would be good to block people all together, but I never have the strength because they really do mean so much to me.
The problem has been with this unintentional distance is that I didn't enjoy the same type of friendships as I have in the past and at times felt like I did on that one 4th of July.
About a year or so ago, I decided to actually let people in my restricted zone. I have come to love some people very dearly and opened myself up in a way I have never done which has given me some of the closest relationships I have ever had. And now, I will be loosing probably my closest friend. I can't explain the anxiety I feel associated with this upcoming event. It's hard moving forward when you don't know which way to move. I'm back to my first problem... how to let people I love go... or do I even have to? People advise many things, the worst of which being that I need to shut this person out of my life so that I don't get hurt. Sadly, I know myself well enough to know, that regardless of what I "should" do... I always cave because I care for the person too much to not be supportive or to do what it takes to make them happy. This is one part of the game I have never been able to play... and marvel at people who can turn a cold-heart to friends once adorned. When it comes down to mine or their happiness I would always opt for the happiness of my loved ones, no matter what the personal cost to me. Problem is, I don't know what this makes me...
Ultimately, it makes me wonder why we have "eternal marriage" but not "eternal friendships." Or do we?
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