Relationship Entropy

The other day I learned about "entropy" and I haven't been able to get that idea out of my head. For those of you that want a quick lesson, entropy is a state of disorder and the theory that once something has been disorganized that it is nearly impossible to get it back to the original state of order... and the only way it can be done is through lots of work.

Here's a small example. If you take a container of salt and a container of pepper, they have a very low level of entropy in their separate containers because they are in order, but when you mix them together it has a high level of entropy because you distort the order. To get it back to the same pure state, takes a lot of work.

So I've been thinking more about it. Life is a constant state of fluctuating entropy. It is messy, and the more we actually live it, the harder it is to reduce entropy without significant effort. I think at times in my life I have thought that the only acceptable way to operate is at low levels of entropy, and failure to do so is unacceptable and life almost becomes paralyzing. This is what I call "high-entropy phobia." For example, the whole point of religion is to separate the natural man from the spiritual man... to lessen worldly entropy. When I was a missionary, it was so hard to make a mistake and be able to easily correct it and move forward because of my OCD low-entropic nature. A whole blog could be dedicated to spiritual entropy and how it plays into our lives (and perhaps I will write one later). But I have taken this principle a bit farther...

I have dated a few, known a few, and perhaps even unknowingly been the one to believe in relationship entropy. Often when you start dating someone things operate at a low level of entropy. Everything is clean and smooth. But then you have an issue or a problem and a small bit of pepper is mixed with the salt (so to speak)... it creates a higher level of entropy. Over time, this entropy can fluctuate without having much control over the when and why of clean up. Often times many people will look at this destruction and figure that things are over... that there is simply no way to ever restore the salt and pepper to their pure state. However, the reason I was introduced to the idea of entropy was because the person that shared it with me stated that everything we do in life will add even just a small element of pepper into our salt. Thus instead of fighting it, we mind as well adapt.

I was frustrated by this thought at first... mostly because I'm a really clean and tidy type of person and I like to think that I have that same type of control in other areas of my life. Knowing that just by virtue of the fact that I wake up every day... that I introduce more entropy. I feel overwhelmed. However, I have spent enough time trying to prevent an inevitable phenomenon.

It is simply impossible to have a relationship that does not introduce some type of increased entropy. Just by starting a relationship, I can expect the salt and pepper to mix, but this is no reason for me to have relationship high-entropic phobia. The thing is, I've learned that if after an issue in a relationship, if both people spend time doing damage control (reducing entropy through work), then things can get back to normal. Not only that, but if I can learn and employ efforts to reduce the likeliness of any future mix ups or become an expert in entropy clean up, then over time, a relationship has a good chance of working.

I've had a few friends in my life that create an interesting case study. One example has been a good friend for years now and we have gone through several instances where the salt and pepper have mixed. Sometimes so bad, that each of us have taken turns thinking it could never be cleaned up. But every time, somehow we manage to remain friends and sometimes come out closer friends, it is quite unique. I have examined this several times in my head, because if the same thing happened with another person, I might not have had the same outcome. How is this done, let me give some suggestions:

• Forgive and forget: Anyone who harbors resentment or does not communicate their feelings has a less likely chance to succeed in this maneuver. It's like if while you were cleaning up the entropic mess, you just relocated the pepper, instead of removed it. It is still there, still a problem. Forgive and forget.
• Humility: When you look at any situation and realize your own inadequacies (instead of others) and are grateful for someone who forgives you, it is easier to forgive others.
• Added Value: After getting through one or two issues with someone and realizing that they are still a valuable person in your life, it gives you added measure and reason to believe that while the future holds potential conflict, they are worth it. When you have established value, each issue is just something to get through, not a reason not to be with someone... and added value. I see this in a lot of successful relationships.

As far as the entropy clean up, perhaps it is my progressive mind that tends to think in matters of efficiency. Sure I could spend hours, days, weeks with tweezers picking out each granule, but doesn't static electricity pick up pepper? So why couldn't I grab a balloon and rub it on some wool and have the pepper jump up.

I think the same principle could be applied to relationships. If I know the tools and laws of nature that create advantages and time saving strategies for the inevitable entropic moments, then really I can have some control. How does this happen in a relationship... well I think I might have some ideas:

Women

• Emotional Outlet- Women, we all know that sometimes we just need to cry... to vent, just to get out all the emotion we feel. However, men are pragmatic problem solvers and usually can't handle the amount of emotional spewing we do. We all know we are not looking for answers, we are just looking for someone to validate us so we can move on. I would suggest finding an emotional outlet. Girls night out is sometimes a necessity, or working out, or journal writing. But if you need to talk to someone, remember women can relate a lot easier than men. When we can benefit from a good venting session with a benign party and return to speak rationally about the issue (if it even needs to be mentioned) to the men we love, it would be better for all involved. Lower levels of entropy.

Men

• Security- Men, yes I know it sounds crazy that you might be asked to act on par with a parrot, but repetition and consistency is key with women. They need to hear that you love them, are attracted to them, and care about them on a regular basis. That security will recharge the battery (or rub their balloon) so to speak. Women are self-conscious creatures. You might look at a beautiful woman and wonder how in the world she would ever need to hear that she is beautiful, but even the most beautiful woman has a great need for it. It is amazing the instant confidence and peace it brings. I've lived off a great compliment from a man for awhile, and if those compliments were repetitive then the likeliness that I would ever doubt how my man feels about me or how valued I am would be almost non-existent. Women know its a silly thing to ask for, and it might feel silly when you first start to do it, but the benefits are undeniable. Lower levels of entropy.

Anyhow... I have really come to appreciate this principle. When I accept that life is dealing with an entropic state, and by extension relationships, I can spend more useful time employing and practicing tactics that  will greatly reduce entropy. Through practice, over time, we get better and better at separating the salt and pepper, or at the very least finding uses for the combination.