Feeling Nothing
It's been awhile since I've posted, but I've had something on my mind for awhile. For the last couple of months, a song has caught my attention... and not necessarily because of the tune, but because of one phrase. The song is Lady Antebellum Need You Now.
First of all, this song makes you want to cry, so don't listen to it while driving home by yourself at night, rather, I recommend listening to it only in the daylight, with a red helium balloon in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other to make it through safely.
Second, the phrase that haunts me is "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." When I first really heard that lyric, it pierced me to the heart. In my opinion, that lyric describes the gall of desperation. But holding on to hurt, allowing yourself to be used, and accepting emotional abuse in order to escape numbness is masochistic. If a doctor gave you the option of anesthesia for an operation, why would you choose not to have it? (Yes, this does speak to my future stance on child-birth.) I would choose anesthesia or pain medication in almost any medical procedure, why not an emotional procedure?
I guess when I really think about it, I've unconsciously spent my most of my life living this phrase, which is why it pierced me so deeply. I've been scared to feel nothing, but why? Basically, the way I see it is that there are three ways to feel in a relationship, happy, sad, and neutral. Why is neutral so bad? Maybe I holding on to feeling something, sustains a connection (albeit a dead connection) to a happy feeling once upon a time. I'm not sure.
Lately, after some reconstructive "heart" surgery, I've been able to feel nothing, and it is the most wonderful, freeing feeling... well, in comparison to feeling hurt. Just think of it, instead of constantly feeling the hurt of rejection, you feel nothing. You feel NOTHING!!! I don't think I've been this happy in a long time... and that's including the happy moments.
But, in order to get some perspective here, let's stretch this concept a bit further... when a couple is old and a spouse dies, the pain is deep... and there is a longing, but is there a point of progressing past that pain, without having to abandon all feeling for the deceased spouse? Can you honor the past memory, live in the moment, and look forward to the future?
Also, I know people who have told me that they have spent much of their life feeling nothing which is an issue too. I can't imagine never having the ability to love or feel. Maybe the moral of the story is too much of something isn't a good thing... good, neutral, or bad.
Wow, I really am getting deep with this entry. I guess getting older and learning about the way we interact is really fascinating to me, and I'm probably my most fascinating case study, so pardon the personal application. Does anyone else have any insights? Even though it has been on my mind for a few months, I feel like I'm barely scratching the surface here.
First of all, this song makes you want to cry, so don't listen to it while driving home by yourself at night, rather, I recommend listening to it only in the daylight, with a red helium balloon in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other to make it through safely.
Second, the phrase that haunts me is "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." When I first really heard that lyric, it pierced me to the heart. In my opinion, that lyric describes the gall of desperation. But holding on to hurt, allowing yourself to be used, and accepting emotional abuse in order to escape numbness is masochistic. If a doctor gave you the option of anesthesia for an operation, why would you choose not to have it? (Yes, this does speak to my future stance on child-birth.) I would choose anesthesia or pain medication in almost any medical procedure, why not an emotional procedure?I guess when I really think about it, I've unconsciously spent my most of my life living this phrase, which is why it pierced me so deeply. I've been scared to feel nothing, but why? Basically, the way I see it is that there are three ways to feel in a relationship, happy, sad, and neutral. Why is neutral so bad? Maybe I holding on to feeling something, sustains a connection (albeit a dead connection) to a happy feeling once upon a time. I'm not sure.
Lately, after some reconstructive "heart" surgery, I've been able to feel nothing, and it is the most wonderful, freeing feeling... well, in comparison to feeling hurt. Just think of it, instead of constantly feeling the hurt of rejection, you feel nothing. You feel NOTHING!!! I don't think I've been this happy in a long time... and that's including the happy moments.
But, in order to get some perspective here, let's stretch this concept a bit further... when a couple is old and a spouse dies, the pain is deep... and there is a longing, but is there a point of progressing past that pain, without having to abandon all feeling for the deceased spouse? Can you honor the past memory, live in the moment, and look forward to the future?
Also, I know people who have told me that they have spent much of their life feeling nothing which is an issue too. I can't imagine never having the ability to love or feel. Maybe the moral of the story is too much of something isn't a good thing... good, neutral, or bad.
Wow, I really am getting deep with this entry. I guess getting older and learning about the way we interact is really fascinating to me, and I'm probably my most fascinating case study, so pardon the personal application. Does anyone else have any insights? Even though it has been on my mind for a few months, I feel like I'm barely scratching the surface here.
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