Marry Him... Book Report

Awhile back a good friend of mine who follows my blog asked me to read the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb and then write a blog post about my musings. Well, dear friend... I've finally read the book. I have to admit, it sat on my desk dubiously staring at me with a seemingly mocking irony for quite awhile before I finally decided to give it the time of day. But... here's how it went down. After a few chapters I couldn't wait to write this blog, brimming with sarcastic quips and theories. But now that I'm all the way through... the only savory words I have to utter is "hmmmm." Congratulations Lori Gottlieb, you've really got me thinking.

For years, I've mocked the princess-type drama queens with their images of prince charming and more annoyingly the images of themselves as princesses, but whether he be on a white horse or not, it's hard, in this day and age, not to imagine the notion of a soul-mate... and I... well I was served some humble pie. However, the amazing thing, is that while I'm eating this fist full of back-slapping pastry, I offer it whole-heartedly to all of the other girls I know (and guys for that matter). Here are some of the gems I took away:

1. Statistics Lesson- The author opened the book by candidly telling about her life as a 41 year old single woman with a child (through a sperm doner) and the misery of dating. I use the word misery lightly here, folks. Anyone who thinks that dating in their 30s-40s is full of romantic exploits and whimsies are truly seeing reality through a blurred (and probably inverted) image. A simple way to say this is the older you get, the fewer options you have... no matter how great of a catch you are.

Most people in this age bracket don't have a place to meet members of the opposite sex... due to the stress and time the daily grind occupies. Wake up, shower, work, gym, dinner, shower, bed. In college, we were saturated with opportunities, but now it's just different.

From there it's just a game of subtraction. Subtract the guys that are married, then the guys that are in relationships, then the guys that won't go for you, then the guys you don't like... and there you have it... a percentage that makes tithing look like the lottery. A reason to cry? Perhaps... A reason to reevaluate our outlook? Most definitely! It hit just a bit too close to home for me, so ok, I'm dealt in... let's see how the rest of this game plays out.

2. Maximizers vs. Satisfiers- Not that I'm one to sort us all into two homogenous groups, but this concept is one to think about. She talks about maximizers (those who are always looking for more) and satisfiers (those who are content where they are). Now, naturally I tell myself I'm a satisfier, but common who are we kidding, I'm never quite content where I am, outside of relationships in general, so maybe she's on to something.

She said those who are satisfiers are bound to be more satisfied in a relationship than those who are maximizers. When you don't have grandiose ideals, it's pretty easy to meet someone and make the best out of most anything. Can it really be that simple folks?... my question after reading this section, is how do I change... being a satisfier sounds much better!

3. Our Ideals Weren't What Made Us Happy- This one brought the light bulb above my head. I've never thought to analyze that our ideals and people we're naturally attracted to is what makes us miserable. I always thought, you like who you like... and follow your heart. But, dude... my heart is a blender set to "frappe." So, the book suggests that you try dating someone outside of the people you are naturally and instinctively attracted to. The hard thing here is dealing with what she calls the "gag reflex"... and this is quite true. I have tried to date men that are sweet and good and because they were outside of the spectrum of men I normally am attracted to I had issues with the gag reflex. They go to kiss you... and you pull back. You stomach is in knots... because you can't come to a compromise between your head and your heart. But she says we need to push through, cuz once we do... we turn a corner.

4. Deservedness- The author states "...for women, it seems that 'desire' has becomes the new 'deserve.'" Ha! She's nailed it again. Let's assess... How is it that while we women have our flaws and aren't exactly perfect, we have been pitched (and actually believe in the idea) that we deserve the creme de la creme... the BEST of the best. How is it statistically possible that all women deserve this and if so, that each woman would receive this... no, let me go a step farther, what the heck IS the best and does such a laundry list even exit.

Women want to be comfortable and themselves, but they want someone that gives them butterflies. They want an ambitious and confident provider, but want a family man. So much of what we want is not possible, because such characteristics are juxtaposed. It's like saying... if this is the only person I'll get to be with for the rest of my life, I want a boyfriend and a girlfriend in the form of one person. (And while we're at it, the good guy, but a bit of a bad boy too.) How can a man be macho and still be as in tune with your needs as a best girl-friend would be? Or be both good and bad? I'm buying what Lori Gottlieb is selling here and saying... we need to reset our expectations here.

Ladies... ladies. This bionic creature does not exist. This is why God put more than two people on a planet. You can have a great marriage and relationship with your husband and have great girlfriends too, etc... but you get my point here. Is it a little too unrealistic to be asking so much of a "perfect man?" Then on top of that, to suspect that all women would be deserving of such a being? Wow... if Satan is looking to destroy the family, he's done a bang up job if all of us are searching for a proverbial "big foot." Ok, a select few of us might even find "big foot," but most of us are not the exception, and we need to make our peace with that. Next!

5. Choose From the Pool of Guys that Go For You- Here's an interesting concept women, and don't be ashamed that you haven't considered it before, because I certainly haven't, but if we don't choose to date/love men from those who actually pursue us, it's ice cream and chick flicks every weekend. I've had to spend time seriously thinking about this one... because normally I thought most guys that go for me aren't my type. But if they're attracted to me, and there tends to be a theme... I need to consider it. She nailed me on this one. Guilty. I'm a romantic, and those type of people just hold on to faith that someday he'll love me back, or notice me, or love will find me. Well, it can't find me if I turn every guy down, now can it.

6. Soul Mates- Here's my ultimate take away. Like I mentioned above, I think the message of soul mates has convoluted our society into thinking that there is one perfect person for you out there that will allow you to live "happily ever after".. but think about that... "happily ever after"... nothing but happiness. Guys, I think Disney did a number on us.

Let's delve a little deeper shall we? The author interviewed an Indian woman who both had an arranged marriage and did her Ph.D. work in the social results of arranged marriages. The woman determined that arranged marriages were more successful because they have a much more practical start and that love grows as a result. She said that parents sit down and evaluate their children's compatibility, making goals and outlooks a top priority. Once that is agreed upon, the proposition is made to the couple and when they agree, the marriage is scheduled.

When asked how she knew the marriage would work, the Indian woman said that she knew she would have a good marriage because of how they argued. Funny, because most people think that arguments are the cancer to relationships. The woman said that all couples argue and disagree, but she knew her relationship would last because they were able to resolve it and move forward with respect for each other. Outside of that (she says), love builds. She said that she thinks there might have been a number of men that she could've made a relationship work with, but that Westerners get caught up in the romantic whimsy of it all, and don't look at marriage practically... and thus, when the "spark" is gone or when there have been one to many "arguments" people leave. If a soul mate is someone you will never contest and eternally feel butterflies for, the truth is that is very, very rare if not totally false.

Food for thought, guys. Food for thought. Overall, I found this book to be quite useful and one to change my paradigm a bit. I recommend it for both single and married couples. And that... teacher, is my report. :)